(Ed. Note: "I Hate My [expletive deleted] Fantasy Team!" is a weekly feature on Puck Daddy in which we vicariously live through two Yahoo! Fantasy Hockey GMs as they provide snarky advice and tales of woe. The holidays messed around with our usual schedule, so you may just get two of these this week. Hextall454 of Melt Your Face Off is up first.)
Like many of you, I find that my time in front of a computer severely decreases in the waning days of each December. Thanks to my company's policy of time off to celebrate the birth of 8-pound Baby Jesus, much of my recent time is spent traveling to see family, running errands (who the hell runs out of Scotch Tape?), and sitting on the couch finishing a season of NHL 09.
These three activities have one thing in common: A good fantasy GM has people to do them for him.
So as I was checking the above of my To-Do List, my fantasy team played listlessly, dropping December decisions of 8-3, 8-3, 9-3, and a particularly awful Christmas Week shellacking to the then-basement dwelling DC Russians United. Determined to avoid taking DCRU's bottom-feeding status, I decided to document my week's ascension to mediocrity against middle-of-the-pack foe Skateaway. I present to you my ... findings.
Perhaps it was a lack of attention to player matchups, or even an overabundance of Christmas cookies in the fantasy locker room, but the Salsa Sharks shuffled onto the ice with minimal enthusiasm. Markus Naslund scored the lone goal that night, a Big Apple shootout mind you, and it was nice to see that Rangermate Nikolai Zherdev could stumble his way into an assist. But hey, Monday's typically a quiet night on the NHL schedule, so I should be happy with this -- and it doesn't hurt that Skateaway's Cory Stillman assembled a minus-4 versus the Habs. Monday's Score: Sharks 5-2.
Now a good fantasy team would call a 5-2 edge "momentum." My fantasy team would term it an "anomaly." Tuesday brought me one goal from nine guys, as soon-to-be fired Vinny Prospal lit the lamp in a loss to Montreal. Jason Pominville racked up a nice -2 to torpedo one of the few categories I was leading, and 23 shots not ending up in the net wrecked the oft-controversial Shooting Percentage stat. Skateaway also offered up little in terms of offense, but Johan Franzen led a five-point effort for my rival, and two more goalie wins from Price and Biron made my "momentum" disappear faster than a cheesecake in the Holmstrom household. Tuesday's Score: Skateaway 7-2
Hey, I had three guys play! Hey, they scored as many goals as I did cleaning my basement! In goalie-related news, Kiprusoff won a game, despite giving up four goals. As for Skateaway, he manages a goal, an assist, and a Marty Turco win, and through the ancient arts of sorcery and basic mathematics the Wednesday's Score: Skateaway 9-0.
I take quiet solace in the fact that Marian Hossa had a three-assist day at Wrigley. From this point forward, MARIAN HOSSA IS NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY HOCKEY INDOORS EVER AGAIN. Of course, Skateaway had Zetterberg, Havlat, Holmstrom, and Franzen, earning him a goal and six assists to crush poor Marian. Hey, at least I don't have Huet, amiright? Thursday's Score: Skateaway 9-0.
My fantasy trainer just informed me that my team is allergic to power-play goals. Skateaway 10-0.
This is my opportunity. With a full lineup in action, I'm going to be able to steal back some categories. It's not like Skateaway is having a particularly good week, so there is much to grab back. Hell, he only got one goal, four assists, and a Turco implosion out of his team. (checks results) two goals and three assists? That's it, guys? (punches cat) At least Miikka has stolen back GAA and Save Percentage. Saturday's Score 9-2?
(Don't call it a comeback.)
(Because it's actually not a comeback.)
Where's one of those parented Marek Zidlicky 13-goal, 7-assist nights when you need it? While I was waiting for that Alex Auld decided to play hockey again -- although I use the word "play" loosely. So goes that save percentage point. FINAL SCORE: Skateaway 9, Red Bank Salsa Sharks 1.
Hello Basement, my Old Friend.