Punchlines ripped from the headlines

"SNL" Tackles Te'o and Armstrong

Jodi Foster also spoofed for Golden Globes speech

By Patrick Hickey Jr.
|  Sunday, Jan 20, 2013  |  Updated 1:05 PM EDT
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"SNL" Tackles Te'o and Armstrong

SNL

"Lance Armstrong" stopped by "SNL" to sorta apologize for doping.

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The crew at "Saturday Night Live" had fun this week at the expense of Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o and disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong, holding no punches to the football player and former American hero.

Earlier in the week Te'o said he was the victim of an online hoax that involved the "death" of a woman he believed he was dating. Armstrong earned headlines after he came clean in an interview with Oprah Winfrey, admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs to win races.

"SNL" kicked off with a Piers Morgan show spoof that featured a faux Armstrong, Te'o and, later, Jodie Foster, who last week came out publicly at the 2013 Golden Globes during her acceptance speech for a lifetime achievement award.

Morgan (Taran Killam) began the segment by asking Armstrong (Jason Sudeikis) to break down his sophisticated doping regimen.

"It wasn't really all that sophisticated," Armstrong said. "All I actually did was steroids, testosterone, human growth hormone, EPO and I replaced all of my blood with better blood. Is that sophisticated? I don't know. Is it cheating? Maybe. I am sorry I did it? Yes-ish. P.S., no."

Morgan then jumped to Te'o (Bobby Moynihan) who still didn't seem to understand the situation he's in.

"The sad fact is I was the victim of a cruel and senseless hoax," Te'o said.

"That must be devastating to deal with," Morgan said.

"It is," Te'o said. "But it's even more devastating for my girlfriend, Lennay."

Jodie Foster (Kate McKinnon), on the other hand, was just happy to be 50.

She also said she wanted to "set the record straight once and for all” and went on to allude to her sexuality with a series of double entendres.

“Just gonna put it out there. Loud and proud, right? Here we go. I am ga-me for anything. I’m just totally game for anything," Foster said. "Also I am officially a Les-lie Nielsen fan. I just thought you all should know that. Oh, and I am obsessed with 'Girls' the show. I just love that show."

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers began with a double punch at the week's two biggest news makers.

"This week, Lance Armstrong disappointed the last guy on earth who still believed him," Meyers said, after which a picture of Te'o flashed on the screen. 

Although the whole Te'o story about a dead "girlfriend" that doesn't exist is weird, Meyers admitted, "it's not as weird as a Samoan Mormon who plays football for a Catholic school."

This week's host was Golden Globe winner Jennifer Lawrence. The musical guest was The Lumineers.

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